Alone and Unloved!
by scarypen
Summary: Post Aliyah! Ziva feels abandoned after Gibbs leaves her on the Tarmack.
1. Chapter 1

**Alone and Unloved**

**The humiliation of everyone knowing that Michael had never cared for her at all! Ziva cringed as she thought about how she had let down her guard and let Michael in just to prove to DiNozzo that she was lovable.**

**Everyone around her had that quality which she seemed to be lacking. It is what makes you human, that emotional connection you are able to make with others. Most of her life she has seen it as a weakness and avoided it at all cost. How else was she able to become a warrior to defend and protect her country from all the evil in the world.**

**But it had felt nice to have someone care about her above anyone else! Her soul was starving for affection ever since her mother and sister were killed. **

**The way Abby was kind and generous with others and how they all seemed to love her back. A bit overwhelming at first but soon enough it had affected her and the way she saw her life. Alone. Always. Even with a group of friends she was the one on the outside. **

**An hour or two occasionally spent with a lover even a stranger was enough human contact to keep her going. To relieve the stress and allow her to focus on the mission. But seeing how McGee and Abby related to each other, with Gibbs even as wounded as his heart was, still able to connect with Ducky, Tony, McGee and Abby made her feel dead inside.**

**She thought she could trust Michael to love her more than just physically after all he knew her better than anyone. That just proved that even to him she was expendable. And Tony who doesn't really know her at all was willing to kill or die to protect her was humiliating! She could never trust her heart, it seemed to have very poor instincts. What she could depend on was her skills as a Mossad operative. It was all that was left to her in this world! **

**Ziva thought deep down that Gibbs would fight for her but even that proved to be wrong. He gave up on her the instant she asked for special consideration. Tony was Gibb's priority and always would be.**

**She would do what her father asked of her out of duty not love for there was nothing and know one left for her. **

**The memory of DiNozzo killing Michael would never allow her to forgive him. She could admit to herself that Tony was right about the reason. If Michael was playing her and had planned on killing her in the end then it was just her pride that kept her from going back to NCIS and back to her partner. But at this point her pride was all that kept her going it was all she had left to protect her from total annihilation.**

**If she survived this mission she couldn't see clearly into her future. It was all blurry when she tried to imagine her life now that she had lost faith in those she had trusted. Maybe when there is no future and the past is gone the present is all that's left and Ziva is very good at the here and now. She is strong and intelligent and that is all she needs to defeat the enemy! Her inner demons will be left alone as there is no way to fight them! **


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Alone and Unloved**

**Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo flashes a quick look of disbelief across his face and then it is gone to be replaced by a mask of indifference as the back of the plane closes in preparation for take off. How can things get any worse! First Ziva lies to him and then her crazy boyfriend tries to kill him, he is forced to shoot Michael, and then hauled all the way to Israel to defend his actions, Ziva accuses him of murder and can know longer even look at him and now she is staying here and he will probably never see her again. **

**It hurts the way she gave up on him so quickly! Not even giving him the benefit of doubt. **

**Did she want to stay behind or was it Gibb's decision? **

**He doesn't regret his actions, even more so now that they know Mossad blew up her apartment. She could have been inside? What kind of people are they? Do I really know Ziva at all? **

**I admit that I was jealous of her feelings for Rivkin but I couldn't let her be used. The thing is I did it to protect myself as much as her and now she is gone. If he had been a good guy I would have let it be. Ziva and I never had a chance, not from day one. The most we could ever have been was friends with benefits and that would not have been enough! **

**Yet I hate to leave things like this. **

**Alcohol, lots of alcohol, that's what I will need when we reach Washington. Maybe it will all become clear in a Whiskey sopped haze. Ziva would hate that, turning to drink is the weak way to handle problems in her mind but to me it is relief. I don't resolve things I bury them as deeply as possible and hope they don't rear their ugly head somewhere in the future. **

**I am mad at her, I would even say furious! She did this to us by keeping secrets. Why do I even care! It is the best thing for the team to get rid of anyone who is not 100% with us! Sure she was a great detective and her special skills saved our lives plenty of times but we never really knew her. Not even Gibbs! **

**Director David better keep her safe or I will be forced to come back to this God Forsaken country! **

**The contradictory thoughts kept going round and round inside his mind until Tony thought he would go crazy! **

**Do I want her back at NCIS or do I just want to know that she's okay? Can I forgive her? Will she forgive me? What will the future be like without seeing her everyday? **

**The sway of her hips, and her perfect butt, curvy even though she has a lean athletic body, never seen anything like it before. The sexy voice, whisky colored eyes and long untamed curls, now only in my dreams can I visit her. She will smile and tease me and maybe because it is a dream we will touch just once in a gentle caring way instead of the passionate performance we put on undercover. That's what will make the next few hours bearable, sleep and maybe dreams not nightmares.**

**Tony slides sideways down across the hard rigid seats of the plane and tries to doze off to the roar of the powerful engines.**


End file.
